Husband lost patience

Today started really happily! We were on the way to check a potential house we could buy. And I was telling him how God guided me yesterday with “see it for what it is.”

But the conversation went south as I started to think about how much work I had to do again to get a house loan ready. My husband lost his patience today after my weeks of moodiness.

Husband: What happened to “see it for what it is”? This is not the first time we have gone through this.

Me: Right, and every time I am the one handling all the financial stuff. Am I allowed to have some complaints?

Husband: Well, I’m going to do it myself this time. I don’t want to deal with this.

…

I felt very hurt, and my mind started to look up the old record of how many years I had been dealing with his moodiness, trying very hard to find evidence of how much I have done for us and how little he has done…

In the middle of my victim storm, I was able to put a hard pause on this by myself this time, which is a new thing for me. As a doer, I stay busy when I am happy, but I realized that I also stay busy when I am unhappy, constantly blaming others in my head. This endeavor is very soul-draining. I had to take a nap immediately when we got home. However, I was able to tell myself that there is no one to blame here. You just need to sit still and see it for what it is.

God fills in

And I know better now: God’s help is one breath away. When I woke up, I started to meditate. My focus this time is to slow down my busy, blaming mind. I think the hardest part is not to stop pointing fingers, but to deal with the hurt feelings themselves.

I just can’t find a place in my mind where I can feel peace, so I call on God for help:

God, please take my heart away. It’s a mess right now, and I don’t know how to put it back in order.

I just keep calling and calling…

And then comes a loud whisper again:

Focus on me! 

Your husband is trying his best to love you. Everything in your life is trying its best to serve you. But all beings on earth are finite and limited, they all have broken cores. See them for what they are, and love them as I do. The dream man you crave your husband to be may never happen because that is not what I created him to be, just as I didn’t create you to satisfy all his desires.

Focus on me, all the comfort you need, I have.

Focus on me, all the security you need, I have.

Focus on me, all the strength you need, I have.

And I will never hesitate to give them to you.

Just Focus on me.