No middle ground
”You cannot have one foot in the Word and one foot in the world.”
I really needed to hear this today. I often find myself testing God in my mind: if He does this for me, then I will pray harder; if He doesn’t, then I will try to manage on my own. But deep down, I know that when I decided to walk with Jesus, there was no turning back. It’s either Him or the world. There is no in-between, any middle ground is simply not with Christ.
I want life
“The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.” Romans 8:6 NIV
Every time I hear the truth of Christ I feel free. Just like the Bible said: the truth will set you free. When my flesh is steering my life, my mind and heart are swollen with fear and confusion, it dies hundreds of times a day. And I am just exhausted from living happily for an hour and dead for another. This repeated live-and-die cycle is hell. But now I have learned to seek help from the holy spirit and let Him guide my life. I can finally be free of all my fears and spiritual death.
Healing is a lifelong event
In this morning’s small group, one of the attendees mentioned that he has been seeking spiritual growth for the past five years. He believes he has healed all of his wounds and now wants to do big things.
At that moment, the Holy Spirit guided me to say that healing is a lifelong journey, it comes in cycles and continues until we fully meet our Creator. The eagerness to hustle and achieve big things won’t be there if we are fully healed.
Listening to the recording after the meeting, I realized this message was also meant for me. Although I was speaking these words to others, I was, more importantly, speaking them to myself. Suddenly, my mind started connecting the dots:
During my study, Julie asked me, “Why are you so independent?”
When I considered the question, “What is my biggest fear of going back?” my mind went blank, and I said, “I don’t need to go back.” But now I realize I am definitely in need of healing in that area!
…
Going back
All these events are connected, bringing me to this very moment. My heart is extremely calm and quiet, and in that quietness, I see myself trapped in a sad memory. I remember sitting in McDonald’s, watching a little girl eating happily with her dad. I felt angry and hopeless. Instead of walking away, I stayed and watched them, not shedding a tear but bleeding inside, hating the reality that my dad passed away so early and pitying myself as a 17-year-old kid alone in Beijing, far from home, no love in my soul!
This part of me still needs healing, and I feel God’s gentle love guiding me patiently. All my worries about not finishing work or not doing enough for today faded in His presence. I decided to go to a restaurant, eat a quiet meal by myself, and just let God work in my heart.
On the way to the restaurant, I was delayed by a work crew cutting trees on the road. As I sat there patiently watching, my heart carried God’s presence, and I knew this was part of His work. When I finally sat down in the restaurant, I noticed a family right next to me: a young boy, his sister, their mom, and their grandma. Quietly, I ate my food and watched this family, just as I had observed that little girl with her dad.
Going forward
But this time, I didn’t feel hopeless. Instead, I felt love. I cried happy tears inside while looking at them. God, in His wisdom, showed me a family that mirrored my own upbringing—raised by a group of strong women. Instead of seeing what I lost, this time I saw what I have. My father was gone, and my mom is emotionally unstable and often unavailable, but she still tries her best. I also have help from my grandma and aunt. There are more people who love me than my mind has noticed.
Just as I realized how thoughtful God is, the family began to leave, only a few minutes after I sat down. I silently said “amen” in my heart. I understood then why I had been delayed by the tree-cutting. Otherwise, I would have missed this family.
I am speechless at God’s miracles, the amount of love, and how gentle and thoughtful He is. I love you, Father. There is nothing more fulfilling than knowing I am Your child.