“Then Mary took a twelve-ounce jar of expensive perfume made from essence of nard, and she anointed Jesus’ feet with it, wiping his feet with her hair. The house was filled with the fragrance. But Judas Iscariot, the disciple who would soon betray him, said, Not that he cared for the poor—he was a thief, and since he was in charge of the disciples’ money, he often stole some for himself. Jesus replied, “Leave her alone. She did this in preparation for my burial. You will always have the poor among you, but you will not always have me.” (John 12:3-4, 6-8 NLT)

I’ve encountered the same obstacles in both giving and forgiving—focusing on the reward rather than the fragrance that fills the room at the moment. I often think of Judas, who was so close to Jesus but missed the most important treasure, and I see a reflection of myself in him. Human nature is greedy and selfish, making it difficult to give fully and freely. When I taste the good fruit that comes from Jesus, I often become greedy for more, and my mind, ever calculating, starts forming plans to recreate that same result.

Yet, deep down, my heart knows how foolish I am. The more I have, the less I want to give. I cling to what I have, almost fearful that someone will take it from me. I forget that nothing I possess on this earth is of my own doing—it’s all from God. 

Practicing the act of giving everything, including surrendering myself to Jesus, has become part of my prayer time. The Holy Spirit revealed to me that my past painful experiences have made my mind believe that fully giving will lead to loss. But that is a lie. What it truly reflects is a scar on my heart that longs for love and security—the kind that can only come from the eternal hearts of Christ, not anything from this fleeting and changing world.

Now, whenever I feel fear triggered by the thought of giving, I pause and ask the Holy Spirit to search my heart, uncover my insecurities, and heal them.