The Passion of the Christ

Last night, I couldn’t sleep. After Riley went to bed, I ended up watching The Passion of the Christ by myself. It was heartbreaking to witness my Savior being tortured and crucified, but at the same time, the story was profoundly powerful.

Afterward, I watched some interviews with Jim Caviezel. In one of them, he shared two questions that struck me deeply, questions that came to him during a personal encounter with Jesus:

“Can you love My children more than you fear evil?”
“Can you love Me more than you fear the cross?”

Those questions pierced my heart. I found myself asking them over and over. And in that quiet space, a light entered my heart. It helped me see clearly what had been happening in me during these past dark weeks.

The devil has used the best parts of me against me

The part I love most about myself is that I’m warm, positive, and I genuinely care about others. I always want to bring goodness into people’s lives and that desire is the root of my passion for life. Because I treasure this part of myself so deeply, I’ve been afraid of losing it.

And yet, after pouring myself out in service for four and a half months, something shifted. I started to hate people in general. I felt disappointed with the world. I turned dark inside. The devil showed me how unworthy and broken we all are, and I believed it. I felt like giving up, like dying with the rest of the world that seemed beyond saving.

But then God showed me something: when I was serving, my focus was on people. And that was the problem.

People are broken. They can’t give me the results or fulfillment I’m looking for. If I keep looking to them, I will be disappointed, again and again. That kind of focus will always end in hurt.

Instead, I need to fix my eyes on Him. I choose to do what I do not for people, but for my Father. I should let my service flow from my love for Him, not anything else. 

I also realized that part of the reason I was so focused on people was because, deep down, I was afraid I wasn’t good enough. I wanted to prove I was kind and worthy, so others would like me.

But now, I’m coming into a deeper peace with myself:

I don’t need to be liked by others. I just want to be loved by One. I’m done living to please others, the world, or even my own expectations. I am who He created me to be, and that is my only identity.

Staying 100% honest and aligned with my true identity is how I’m meant to live. If that means disappointing someone, shaking things up, or making mistakes, so be it.

I’m ready. I want to stand up, carry my cross with purpose, and not be crushed by its weight.

Not in fear, but in faith.