Up early. Feel rested. Spent 25 minutes in solitude. Realized my weakest muscle in this exercise is enjoying the quietness itself. Enjoy just being, without any feedback from anything.

I constantly expect God’s voice or some kind of response. When there is no response, it’s like clicking a mouse and the computer is frozen. Nothing happens! And I just want to smash it.

I also realized this ties back to my greedy craving for “new things” which is a major part of my self-worth.

Look at her, she got a nice offer in the big city.

Look at her, she went overseas.

Look at her, she breaks away from the system and embraces adventures.

Look at her, she is so good at…

I am a slave to pleasing the world, just to get praise. I am addicted to it, as if this is the only way I can prove I am good enough. I am worthy.

But O Lord, I can feel your gentle hands on my shoulder. This is not how you created me to be.