OCD hits again 

I have a type of OCD that has been bothering me for a while. I keep wanting to change things, and the more I change, the more improvements I want to make, which leads to more change.

Since becoming RVers, my desk has been very small, but I have rearranged it countless times. I have purchased various containers and stands just to support my changing ideas. But the excitement only lasts a few months before I want to change it again.

Last night it hit me again. I was planning to exercise, but instead, I spent about three hours rearranging my work area and exploring all the options. The excitement of improving faded quickly and left me feeling exhausted and disappointed in myself.

In the past, I would stay up until it was done, sometimes until 1 am or 3 am, unable to allow myself to sleep without finishing it. Now I know better, it’s just me trapping myself in suffering. I left it unfinished last night. When I went to bed, I was overwhelmed by a flood of thoughts nagging at me. I cried out to the Lord, asking Him to put me to sleep and give me rest, and He did.

I woke up at 4:30 a.m. this morning and felt compelled to write. I’ve realized that one reason behind my OCD is my constant expectation for good things to happen. When they don’t, I try to recreate that feeling by making changes.

Initially, I changed things on a whim, but after experiencing more and more negative impacts, I feel guilty about going back to it. So now I need a reason to change things, a way to justify my behavior. As I write this, I laugh at myself, but I still can’t help it.

Lord, I cry out to You again, and now I am ready to give everything, including myself, to You. Please fix this mess or guide me through it, because I truly don’t know what to do with this part of myself.

God’s guidance

Through morning Bible study and prayers, I am continually striving to submit myself to God.

During breakfast, I looked outside the window at the trees, mountains, and sunshine perfectly lighting up everything. In that moment, I heard God say: “There is nothing in life, nothing you need to worry about. All you need to do is focus on this moment, and it’s easy.”

Carry heavy bags with God

My desk is still a mess, and I need to finish what I started last night. An hour in, I’m still not satisfied. I know I’m stuck in my OCD again. In the midst of my struggle, my heart keeps repeating a phrase: “For God is with me, and He blesses whatever I do.”

I kept saying it out loud, and it made me feel better.

I went out to do some grocery shopping and pick up a few things for tomorrow’s big hike. When I saw another organizer for the desk, I bought it again. I felt disappointed and defeated because I already had many organizers. I recognized it was the old me, trying to find happiness through acquiring new things. This led to an unplanned shopping spree and spending a lot of money impulsively.

I know it’s sad that I’m chasing temporary, artificial happiness, but today I just can’t help it. I kept repeating the phrase in my heart over and over. Maybe that’s a small step forward for me. I’m not hiding my shame and guilt from the indulgence, I want God to know, and if I’m doing it, I want to bring God with me.

I own all my sad flaws. And God, please, just stay with me.