Unnamed Sadness
The sadness I feel about moving into our new house still lingers. Last night, I had planned to meet with two Christian friends for dinner, hoping to find some comfort and guidance. However, one of them fell ill, and we had to cancel. At first, I was disappointed, but now I see that it was part of God’s plan. Instead, Jesus brought me the answer and reassurance I needed directly.
Last night, my husband and I had a small argument. While driving to pick up dinner, we all started discussing our ideas and desires for the house. Tensions rose, and we quickly became defensive and impatient, which led to a cold war between us. He ended up eating alone, and I went on a two-hour walk to clear my mind.
At first, my thoughts automatically blamed him. I fought hard to quiet those thoughts because, deep down, I knew that the pain I was feeling had little to do with the argument itself. There was no point in wasting energy to make things worse. I kept praying, asking God to take over my heart so I could respond with love and quiet both my hurting mind and my husband’s.
Jesus delivered the answer
As I continued walking, the Holy Spirit helped me let go of my thoughts. I realized that as we’ve been blessed with more in life, our desires have grown too. I thought to myself, if having more leads to cracks in our relationship, I’d rather have less. I’m willing to let go of all my desires to keep a peaceful heart.
I have deeply experienced how God uses pain to bring me to a place of humbleness and quietness. It was in this humble and quiet heart that I encountered Jesus again. When I returned home, my husband and I briefly spoke to ensure there was no lingering anger between us. Later, as I sat in my office to write my Chinese blog, I felt the strong presence of Jesus guiding me. He helped me understand why I felt sadness when I should have been happy about this earthly achievement.
My repeating hell on earth
On the surface, I was receiving something new and wonderful for the first time. But for my soul, it wasn’t the first time—I had experienced this cycle countless times before. I would set a goal, dream about it, work tirelessly toward it, and revolve my entire life around it. But the moment I achieved the goal, it felt as if my dream had died. There was nothing left on my list to strive for. I felt the same way when I graduated from college for the very same reason.
The sadness doesn’t stem solely from the feeling of completion or the lack of something new to hope for. It comes from the knowledge that I must start something new all over again—a feeling that is tormenting for me. It’s the true punishment I’ve been trapped in my whole life—a repetitive cycle of temporary goals that are destined to endlessly consume my hope and energy. Last night, when Jesus illuminated this process in my heart, it felt almost demonic.
I want to place everything I have on the altar for God, treating each moment as if it were my last. There will be no plans for tomorrow, and no regrets for yesterday, because God dwells only in the present. My deepest desire is to be with Him, for only God is eternal, and only He can satisfy the needs of my soul. This will be the new center of my life—letting go of thoughts of tomorrow and yesterday and striving to live fully in the NOW.
The only and most important long-term goal in life is to place God at the center of everything. Thank you, Lord, for granting me peace and clarity as I sat quietly with my pain. I am no longer afraid of walking through deep waters alone, because I know I have never been truly alone—you are always with me. I love you, Papa.