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Last month, I attended my first Christian event, a sisterhood retreat. It was a divine gift that helped me unlock hidden parts of myself and connect with an amazing group of women. As a result, I then started a 4-week program called Practicing Solitude with a lady I met there. And that’s also why I decided to start writing about my journey.

Meditate In Loud Silence

After intentionally and continuously inviting God into my daily routine for almost a month, I have noticed a significant improvement in my sleep quality. My Fitbit score has increased from 75 for 8 hours of sleep to 80 for just 7 hours. I now wake up naturally and early, and enjoying the freshness of the early morning has become my new favorite!

Today, I dedicated the first moments of my morning to practicing 20 minutes of solitude. Although I don’t suffer from tinnitus, l entered a realm of silence l’ve never experienced before. There, I encountered a high-pitched ringing in my ears that grew louder the longer I remained still. It gave me a strong sensation of unease, perhaps explaining why many people struggle to endure prolonged periods of silence and stillness. Deep down, we are all sinners and broken souls. In the silence, we are inevitably confronted with the turmoil of our spirit.

In that loud silence, an overwhelming image flashes into my mind, which I’ve attempted to recreate here. The high-pitched ringing morphs into crimson lightning streaking across the sky, accompanied by haunting moans and screams echoing below. In my heart, I somehow recognized that’s my spiritual brothers and sisters crying out for help.

I’ve experienced real terror from many nightmares in the past. This morning, within that space, I sensed a similar terror, yet surprisingly, I felt no fear. I simply sat there, listening to the haunting echoes of moans and screams.

The mind cannot comprehend.

The body just sits there, listening.

The heart felt heavy and light at the same time.