There’s so much I want to say, but I’m afraid the words won’t be enough to express it all.

Dark and Silent Retreat

I was invited to a three-day dark and silent retreat, something completely new for me. Cutting off the world for three days felt both unreal and refreshing. Time passed faster than I expected. The freedom in the darkness reminded me of home. There was nothing to worry about. Realizing that the world doesn’t need me brought a deep sense of relief.

I am at peace with myself. All I need to do is be. And I have all the time in the world to be with my Heavenly Father. I truly enjoyed our conversations and the quiet time, whether I was awake or dreaming. My heart longs for His presence, and that longing has only grown stronger.

New Me or Wrong Me?

Since I began walking with the Father, a different personality has slowly taken shape in me. She is someone I never imagined I could be, but somehow I feel completely at home in her skin. She is quiet, slow in the best way, and grounded. Not the fast and fiery Zoey I used to be, but someone more mature, like an older sister who is strong and sure in what she believes and does.

I’m still discovering this side of myself. I feel happy, but also a little unsure. This version of me seems to come from a higher place. She looks at everything with a wide and generous love, but sometimes it feels like it lacks personal touch. I no longer feel bursts of excitement or happiness like I used to. I wonder if this is a more spiritually and emotionally healthy way of being, or if it’s just a stage I’m passing through, on the way to something else that still needs time to form.

What Do I Really Want?

After going back and forth, and progressing in circles, I return to the same question. What do I really want?

Once, I thought I understood this verse:

Ask, and it will be given to you.

But now, it carries a new depth.

At the Airport

Today, at the Shanghai airport as I boarded my flight back to the US, I saw a woman. She looked like a regular beauty model, but something about her made me keep looking. I saw firmness. I saw commitment. I saw unity. I saw honesty. In that moment, I felt the holy wind. It was familiar, and I knew something in me was changing.

I want that. I want to want with the same strength and clarity as the Holy Spirit. I want my desire to be so focused and pure that nothing in this world can compare to it.

Learning to Live It Out

I don’t know yet what it looks like to live this kind of life here on earth. But I know it will take focus, purity, honesty, dedication, and a clear direction. Last year, I practiced focus. Today on the flight, as I looked around at all the entertainment screens lighting up, I could barely pay attention. There was just too much information. I’ve felt that same way since arriving in China. I don’t think we are meant to live with so much input. Souls need space. I need focus.

Purity: My Word for the Year

Lord, thank You for giving me “purity” as the focus for this year. I can already feel how important it is, and how naturally it goes hand in hand with what You are doing in me. I’m so grateful for everything You’ve done in my life and in my family over the past few months. Your mighty hand holds everything together across the universe. Thank You for allowing me to witness Your great love.

Let me serve You. Let me be a humble servant like Jesus. I know I still have much to learn, but You know my heart. I have nothing left to hold back. Everything I have is Yours.