I don’t serve you anymore
The biggest takeaway for me from this devotional study is that “We can rest because of who God is, and because in Him, the work is already complete.”
After watching the entire story of Moses unfold on TV, it became clear to me that God grants us rest, while only the devil/pharaoh—forces us to toil. It’s as simple as that.
Jesus said, “Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is comfortable, and My burden is light”. Matthew 11:29-30, NASB2020
God desires that I rest well, to be filled with His love so that I can love others more fully. On the other hand, the devil wants me overworked and distracted, so that I can never truly feel God’s presence.
I see it clearly now, and I will tell the inner devil—the pharaoh within me: I don’t serve you anymore. My only Master is God.
Moses liberated us from bondage centuries ago, and Jesus endured unimaginable torture and sacrificed Himself on the cross for me. Because of that, I must take care of myself and love myself, allowing their love to live through me. By doing so, I honor all those who came before me, laying bricks for His Kingdom, and I carry their Love forward.
However, I still struggle with feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. Yet, I hear the Holy Spirit whisper in my heart: if TRULY loving yourself for your own sake feels difficult, then love yourself for the sake of God.
Painful Love
Last night, on the way home, Moses’s story lingered in my heart. I thought about my husband and the battles he has been fighting that seem never-ending. I’ve been disappointed many times, and I can’t even begin to imagine the depths of despair he must be feeling right now. I realized that we are all like the slaves Moses led out of Egypt. Moses could have left them at any point during their journey, but he chose to stay with them, wandering in the desert for 40 years. I want to do the same for my husband. If he is suffering in his own personal hell, how could I find peace in heaven without him? I want to stay strong for him, no matter what.
I cried in my car on the way home, determined to tell him all of this—to let him know how much I love him and how far I’m willing to go for him.
But when I got home, a deep sadness settled in my heart, and I felt distant. Suddenly, all the love and energy I had drained away. I didn’t end up speaking to him; instead, I went straight to bed. I consulted the Holy Spirit, asking if I should talk to him before I slept, and the answer I received was no. I fell asleep feeling lonely, confused, and a little helpless.
When I woke up this morning, I saw a text message from him saying he had gone to town. I wanted to send him something sweet and encouraging right away to lighten the mood. But once again, I consulted my little coin method because I truly want to live in God’s will, not my own. The answer I received was no. I felt confused, but I chose to obey.
Reflecting on all the efforts I’ve made to fix things, and continually getting “no” as an answer from God, I’ve come to realize that He’s teaching me to sit with darkness—something that is my weakest spiritual muscle. I love happiness and positivity, and sometimes I’m so eager to restore that comfort zone that I reach out first and say something sweet.
But God knows this isn’t what my husband needs right now. I told him that I wasn’t trying to ignore him last night, and he replied that it was better that way since he wanted to be alone.
This morning, I didn’t say anything to him, which is quite out of character for me. But he ended up walking towards me and asking, “Can I have a hug?”
Somehow, I feel that God—or maybe my husband—wants me to be distant so that things can ultimately improve. It doesn’t make sense to me. Why would my husband prefer a cold distance rather than me being warm and bringing happiness back?
Yet deep down, I know this is what’s best for him. It’s like when someone doesn’t feel worthy of love—punishment feels more comfortable than affection. This is how I see it.
However, this is incredibly difficult for me and conflicts with my naturally positive nature. But I will obey and learn because, God, You have my complete trust and heart.