Nightmares

This morning, I woke up in horror again, marking the third consecutive night of nightmares. Each night, the theme was eerily similar: I was attacked by ghosts or bad people, unable to fight back or escape. I felt hopeless and alone, and I didn’t remember to call on God to rescue me.

I wonder what has changed to cause these nightmares. One thing that comes to mind is that since I started this new Bible study, I haven’t been meditating daily. I need to carve out quiet time to be with God more, to soak in His power and love so I can be recharged.

4 Primary characteristics found on the other side of the wall

This is from Emotionally Healthy Spirituality:

1. A greater level of brokenness
2. A greater appreciation for holy unknowing
3. A deeper ability to wait on God
4. A greater detachment from the world

From personal experience, I have felt these four transformations in my heart to varying degrees after going through my hardships. I believe the third one, “the ability to trust in God’s timing,” will always be my weak spot. Patience is not a natural trait in my personality, and I have come to a better realization of that about myself. However, I am willing to do whatever it takes to strengthen this aspect of my character.

Please don’t let me go

As we get close to obtaining this property, a part of me feels nervous about the upcoming bills. My mind immediately jumped into hustle mode, trying to plan and control to ease the anxiety. After hours of spiraling, I caught myself and loudly reminded myself: you know better now.

Yes, I do know better now. None of these concerns should trouble me, a child of God. I confronted those negative thoughts again: how dare you enter this holy ground? And gradually, they faded away.

I kept thinking about Peter crying in Jesus’s arms, saying: I’m sorry. Don’t let me go, don’t let me go, don’t let me go…

At this moment, that is exactly what I want to say to God: don’t let me go. My biggest enemy is myself, and all I want to do is hide under God’s wings and let Him hold me so tight that even if I try to run, I won’t be able to get back to my old self.

Oh Lord, hold me tight, protect me with Your mighty wings, shelter me from myself. I don’t want anything else; all I want is You. No matter what I do, say, or think, please just don’t let me go.