This heavy feeling continues to linger. A conversation with Riley gave me a glimpse into the source of this burden. I’ve never learned how to care deeply without also carrying the weight of the problems that come with it, especially the people I care the most. That’s why I’m always trying to fix things. I can’t stand just being present without offering something tangible, and soon that desire turns into pressure and burden.

The four and a half months I spent back home became a painfully long reminder of this pattern. The darkness and weakness I felt in my soul were symptoms of carrying a weight I was never meant to bear alone. It doesn’t come naturally to me to simply be a positive influence. I want to do something practical, something visible—almost like I need proof that I’ve helped, proof that others have received the help and got better. I can see now where that went wrong.

I was never meant to carry all these burdens by myself. They were always meant to be surrendered to God. But as a human, I still haven’t learned how to let go. My nature wants everyone to live simply and happily, and I don’t believe that’s a bad thing. But oh Lord, if this is the lesson You’ve been trying to teach me, then I confess I’m angry. I hate the suffering that has come with it.

Still, I choose to trust You. I believe this is part of my growth, and I believe You are with me every step of the way. I’m thankful You’ve given me a kind and caring soul, but I’m afraid the enemy has used that very tenderness against me this time. I cry inside over how this has made me feel, the heaviness, the frustration, the anger that has risen in the process.

I seek refuge in You, my God. I ask for Your forgiveness for the hardness that has taken root in me, for the way I may have brought trouble to others. I was made to love, and I know that. But perhaps I still need to learn how to love myself better, so I can offer love to my brothers and sisters in the right way.