Today I felt quite melancholy. There isn’t anything specific that bothers me, but I just can’t motivate myself to do anything. I ended up spending the entire day sleeping. I didn’t know I was this tired.

I think my devotional practice has really worked on my subconscious. I can feel a lot of deep emotions bubbling to the surface that feel foreign to me, yet I need to face them.

One of them is a deep fear. I fear I will lose my passion for life and just crash. When my dad passed away, I lived in a hopeless state for years, hated the world, and did all the bad things a teenager can do. I was walking with the Devil. I enjoyed rebelling.

Being good is hard, and being a Christian is hard! Sometimes I just don’t want to be nice, don’t want to spend so much time practicing walking with the Lord.

I realized I have been distracting myself with “new things” and using them to fuel my passion for life.

Design is my work, it’s beautiful and different every time I design something.

I was in and out of relationships quite often before I found Christ. The new and refreshed feeling made me feel life had more to offer.

After getting married, I quit my 9-to-5 city life and started traveling the country. I was so thrilled.

Now, my life is sitting still, and I have to wait for God to make a lot of things happen for me. I liked practicing solitude for the first week, but now I can feel the dark side of myself lurking.

Yesterday, Pastor Bob talked about the story of the weeping prophet Jeremiah. It gave me a clear picture that God filled his life with endless suffering, and I was angry, still angry.